Desperate Housewives Things

(The boys have gathered at Tom's restraurant when Ian walks in)
Mike: Hey, Ian.
Ian: Nice to see you Mike.
(Mike rolls his eyes at the other guys)
Carlos: What is fish'n'chips doing here?
Tom: Susan asked me to include him, she said he always wanted to learn how to play poker so we're gonna give him some very expensive lessons.
Mike: Be careful, he already knows how to bluff.

Carlos: If you don't remember then how can you be sure you and Zach had sex?
Gabrielle: We were both half-naked and there was a condom wrapper and he said I was amazing, which totally sounds like me.

Carlos: (after Gabrielle told him she thinks she slept with Zach) God, I can't believe you bagged another neighborhood kid.
He starts to leave.
Gabrielle: Where are you going?
Carlos: To warn the Scavo boys!

Carlos: Hey, are there any decent, single women at this wedding?
Waiter: Not that I have seen it.
Lynette: Hey, Carlos. You should come over to our table, that's where all the hotties are.

Carlos: He's not going to sell his baby for $8000!
Gabrielle: Are we talking about the same idiot?! I think for $30,000 you throw in a kidney!

Carlos: There was a lot of stuff that Gabby went through when she was younger. A lot of stuff that you don't know about. And I think that if you went to her and asked her about it, then the two of you could finally get passed it.
Lucia: What stuff are you talking about, Carlos?
Carlos (deep breath): Your second husband Alejandro. When Gabby was 15 he assaulted her; sexually.
Lucia: Is that what she told you?
Carlos: Look, I know it comes as a shock for you to be hearing it from me.
Lucia: Carlos, please, I am aware they had sex. But it was Gabrielle who seduced him.
Carlos: Excuse me?
Lucia: She was always jealous of me. You don't know how many times I caught her wearing my shoes, trying on my jewelery. And I'd scream at her to leave my things alone, but no, she wanted whatever I had. Then one night she set her sights on Alejandro. Believe me, no one got raped.
Carlos: Lucia, she was only 15!
Lucia: You know, a lot of men have left me over the years, and I never knew the reason, but when Alejandro left, I knew exactly why it happened. Gabrielle made him fall in love with her. Took me so many years to forgive her.

Gabrielle: Don't be so suicidal, we can always adopt.
Carlos: I wanted to have a child of our own, you know that.
Gabrielle: What does it matter whose DNA it is, the diapers are still going to smell the same regardless.

Carlos: What the hell were you thinking?
Gabrielle: Uh, depends. What have you heard?
Carlos: I got a call from the church. They said you attacked Sister Mary!
Gabrielle: Yeah, that's about right.
Carlos: What are you thinking?
Gabrielle: I wasn't, but I was thinking about it on the way over here. And I realized the ass I should be kicking is yours.
Carlos: Mine?
Gabrielle: Yes! Sister Mary manipulated you into threatening me, but you're the idiot that fell for it.
Carlos: I was not threatening you. I was asking for a promise.
Gabrielle: You made a promise, Carlos, a long time ago: till death do us part. And one day you just come home and start throwing words around like annulment. How do you think that makes me feel?
Carlos: Okay, I'm sorry about that. I need to have a child.
Gabrielle: And I need to know I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, not just some uterus in high heels.
Carlos: Gabrielle, please.
Gabrielle: No, Carlos, I am sorry. I am not gonna be blackmailed into giving birth. You have to choose. And I wish you would do it so I can move on with my life.
Carlos: Well, of course I choose you.
Gabrielle: I think that's the right decision. You know, I made a decision, too. The answer to your question earlier is yes.
Carlos: Yes...
Gabrielle: I wanna have a baby. I wanna have a baby with you.

Carlos: You never even apologized.
Gabrielle: I apologized a million times.
Carlos: Yeah, but you always followed it up with an excuse: "I was lonely; You weren't home enough; A woman needs to be loved."
Gabrielle: A woman does need to be loved! And since you didn't give it to me, I had to find it elsewhere. (brief pause)
Carlos: So that's what the teenager was doing in our bedroom? Filling you with love?

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